Bowling Ballerina

Mar 4, 2020

I joined dating apps because I felt like I had to if I wanted to find a romantic partner. I’ve tried to “put myself out there” and meet men in the real world, but it seems like these days everyone has earbuds in or their eyes glued to their phone screen.

Mitchel and I matched and he interested me because he was cute and funny. 

“Have you heard of Rocketbowl?” he asked one day. I love Rocketbowl. I grew up bowling at Rocketbowl and it hasn’t changed. Rocketbowl is probably the only bowling alley left that still makes you keep score with pen and paper. The whole place is decorated the way it was when it was first built in the ’70s. 

When I arrived, I thought it was so cute that Mitchel was waiting for me outside. He looked just like his photos. We walked in, ordered rum and Cokes and nachos to share, got our shoes that were probably made in the 1970s, and picked a lane. 

Once we began bowling, Mitchel came up with the idea of choosing the “winner” based on how uniquely we could roll the ball. That way we didn’t have to keep score and neither of us would feel bad about losing. 

Mitchel  spun like a ballerina for one roll, and got yelled at by an employee for throwing the ball from above his head for another. At first I went with all I could think of: “granny style,” where you roll the ball with both hands from between your legs, and granny style backwards.

Mitchel’s rolls became more elaborate, with dance moves and hand gestures incorporated into them. I planned an elaborate ball roll that would involve a spin, a jump, some kicks, and then a slow, delicate ball roll. 

Unfortunately, I underestimated how much space I would need to perform my moves before rolling the ball, and I ended up crossing the line into the bowling lane. Do you know how slippery the lane is? More slippery than ice.

My ankle twisted and I instinctively threw my body the other direction to keep balance, but I over-corrected and fell. As I was falling, I half-threw the ball. It hit my shin as I landed on my wrist. 

Mitchel rushed over to ask if I was okay. I felt embarrassed, so I quickly stood up to brush myself off. As soon as I put weight on my ankle, I fell again. My ankle hurt, badly. I started crying. As I sat there, I noticed that my wrist was already swelling up. I cried more.

Mitchel called 9-1-1 and I felt so embarrassed when the paramedics wheeled me out on a stretcher and put me in the ambulance. Who gets hurt bowling? It turned out I had a broken ankle, broken wrist, and badly bruised shin. 

Mitchel texted a couple of times after that to see if I was okay and we chatted a bit. I never brought up the idea of a second date and neither did he. I suppose two broken bones on a first date is a sign not to continue.

The Choice is Yours

You can waste your time looking for go-nowhere dates, or find a partner that takes your breath away. Take the quiz to find a partner that matches uniquely with you.

How I Narrowly Dodged a Workplace Affair

How I Narrowly Dodged a Workplace Affair

Sometimes, the worst thing about dating app culture is when it all goes so right and so wrong at the same time. Someone should make an app that cross-checks where you work. Here’s how I almost accidentally had an affair with my new employee.

The Date that Never Left

The Date that Never Left

We all want one fantastic date that never ends but … not like this. This is how a down-on-his-luck man lied to me and used me just to make ends meet.

Something’s Just, Off

Something’s Just, Off

Everything went wrong on this date, from a messed up Uber ride to an embarrassing picture. Disposable dating leads to awkward nights like this.

We Went … Earthing

We Went … Earthing

He said the electrons from the Earth would realign our souls. I just think he had dirty, gnarly feet. This is how I ended up on a date with a man with no shoes.

My Weird Date to a Mall

My Weird Date to a Mall

I didn’t know malls – like big, neon 1980s malls – were still around, but I went on a Tinder date with a guy to one. Too bad he was a loser. Here’s the story.

Guess I Didn’t Make the Cut

Guess I Didn’t Make the Cut

Football Sundays are sacred to me, so I thought things were going to work out when he took me on a date to a game. I just didn’t make the cut.

Nope. Nope. Nope.

Nope. Nope. Nope.

I got bed bugs from a date. Bed. Bugs. I can’t live this one down. Thanks, Tinder.

Mr. Old Fashioned

Mr. Old Fashioned

I thought I wanted an old-fashioned, romantic date. I got more than I bargained for. Here’s how I handled a doomed date.