Prince Not-So Charming

Feb 28, 2020

A few months ago, I decided to try Tinder for the first time. I’d been single for awhile after a bad breakup and figured an app could help me get back into the dating game. 

I decided to swipe right only if there was SOMETHING in his bio that drew me in. I wasn’t looking for a hookup, I wanted something more. Boring bio = no match from me, so I ended up swiping left on a ton of profiles.

Then I saw Dave.

Dave had photos of himself rock climbing with his shirt off, weight lifting with his shirt off, and running on the beach…with his shirt off. To be fair, Dave looks great with his shirt off. 

I still remember his bio: “Accountant. Weight Lifter. Disney-lover. Let’s watch Aladdin together.” I thought it was cute that a weight-lifting accountant had a soft Disney-loving side. By then, I’d gotten some unwanted sexual messages from guys I ended up quickly unmatching. I’m not super into Disney, but the idea of a guy being into Disney sounded so pure and innocent in comparison to what other dudes on the app were suggesting.

I was very excited to be dating again but at the last minute I started to worry. I don’t lift weights. I don’t make a lot of money. Am I really his type? 

When Dave and I found each other in the restaurant, I was happy to see that he looked exactly like his photos. Well, except he had a shirt on. He had that sort of smile that just puts you at ease.

Then it started. What’s your favorite Disney movie? 

I said Toy Story because it was the first thing that came to mind. 

“Technically Toy Story is a Pixar movie,” he says, “but Pixar is a subsidiary of Disney, so he guess that counted.”

Our dinner was delicious, and fancier than what I’m used to. We each had a couple of cocktails, and Dave paid for it all. When he invited me back to his apartment, I decided to go with the flow. I could hear my friends’ advice echoing in my mind: “Have fun!” 

I shouldn’t have been surprised by what happened next. When I’d asked Dave why he’d become an accountant and he said it could fund his Disney habit, I assumed he was kidding.

No. Oh, no. I was so, so wrong.

Dave – a full grown man – had a living room that looked exactly like a scene out of Aladdin, complete with a sunset mural on the wall, a magic carpet as the floor rug, and a life-sized Genie. The whole setup had to have cost thousands of dollars. As he gave me a tour, I saw his kitchen was similarly decked out like the Lion King, his bathroom The Little Mermaid, and his bedroom old timey Mickey and Minnie. 

When he came back with a Jasmine veil, I made for the door. 

“Oh, don’t worry, no one’s worn it before!” Dave said. “I bought it just for you.” 

I deleted the app when I got home.

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