“Just Watch My Purse, Please”

Feb 29, 2020

Here’s my Tinder horror story. I matched with this woman and we hit it off pretty quick. She was good looking, a Cowboys fan, and grew up in my neighborhood. We even knew some of the same people from high school. I’ll call her Madison. 

So Madison and I go out for our first date, dinner at a nice place that she picked. Everything starts off great, but before the first course even comes out, she’s talking about her ex-husband.

Alright, I think, I’ll let her get it off her chest. But it never stopped. He didn’t deserve her, he didn’t want to commit, and he didn’t make much money. Blah, blah, blah. I felt awkward, and frustrated. I think she could sense it, because suddenly she pops up to go to the restroom. But leaves her very expensive purse on the chair. 

“Please watch this, I’ll be right back.”

I’m getting fed up when the food comes out but she isn’t back yet. It’s starting to get cold when she finally sits down. Before I can say anything, she picks the story right back up.

“But he wasn’t the worst. My longtime boyfriend in college. Oh my god. He smelled terrible, and he wouldn’t admit it.” On and on with her exes. I felt kinda bad for her, she had a lot to get off her chest and maybe I’m the only outlet she has. But, this is supposed to be a date. I should get a word in edgewise here, but she cuts me off every time. To be honest, something about her desperate need to talk just sort of shut me up. I kinda wanted to see where this was going.

We were edging up on middle school boyfriends that didn’t appreciate Madison’s slap bracelet collection when I let out an exhausted sigh. It just sort of blurted out. I was about to change the topic (if that’s even possible with her) when she bounced up, asked me to watch her purse, and dashed off to the bathroom again.

I see what she was doing: stranding me with her purse so I can’t leave. I’m not the sort of guy to do that anyway, but it was a bold plan. When the check came—4 exes later—we split the dinner. Needless to say, I didn’t call her back. She didn’t seem too interested in me either and that’s just fine.

To her credit, this was the first time I’ve been held hostage by a COACH purse. I will give it to Madison, she was looking for a captive audience and she got it, but this is the last time I take a Tinder date seriously.

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Nope. Nope. Nope.

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